Sunday, September 16, 2007

Ramadhan..



I was sobbing the night of 1st ramadhan. I promised to make doa to all my good friends, rabbana atina fiddunia hasanah, wafilakhiratihasanah, waqiazabannar. God make me a better slave, make me alert of world down under, make me a better human, a better mom and a better daughter. Love us all ya Allah. Ramadhan.. i will always miss the excitements you bring..



At the dinner table…..

Vegetables are having a heated discussion. They wanted to take revenge on the farmers who had been spoiling them with dangerous chemicals. A group of spinach was killed last week after being drenched in a yellowish fertilizer for several hours. Jungle ferns were taken away from the supermarket after found rotten by a customers. Young bamboo shoots which used to have the sweetest taste, could no longer proud of it as the chemicals have overpower the original taste.


Initially, Malaysian vegetables had a serious problem with pesticide residues. Up to 75% of the vegetables sent to the wet market were rejected regularly. What will happen to their next generation? Yesterday, tomatoes were seen injected with folate to enhance pregnancy planning. Soya beans are not safe to be consumed any more, because it contains too much of herbicides.


“What do we do now chief?” asked the crowd. We could not bear this any longer; humans are choking us. Leafy vegetables are leading the discussion group. They have now decided to stop growing no matter what fertilizer farmers use to elevate growth.
Now, at the dinner table, thousand of vegetables and herbs are meditating, making crunchy sounds, asking inner strength from God. They were united and sturdy. Then, they built a banner with writes: SAVE US, STOP THE CHEMICALS, SAVE OUR GENES, TAKE US FRESH! AGAINST GENETIC ENGINEERING. They prayed hard and chimed: GOD SAVE US!


Soon, the results shows. To their surprise, countless lorries came to the farm with more genetically engineered vegetables. Beans sprouts, olives, zucchinis, crops… all in gigantic looks. May be they didn’t meditate hard enough. Or perhaps God refused to listen. Who will rescue their youngsters? Humans are selfish creatures. They only mean business. Who would take charge of the social responsibility?


Humans are carcinogens now. They couldn’t care less what they swallow. The vegetables are too delicate to combat human behaviours. They left the dinner table with a big sigh..


My first piece of creative writing. Some people were clapping after i read it in class. My lecturer said it was good. Thank God, I put so much effort writing it. Couldn't imagine I would be able to write like that. Happy and motivated. Now, on to my journal writing.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Why do you want to be Wannabe?

Dear Wannabe, he is Shakespeare and he is about literature, not a linguist okay!

I first heard of the Wannabe when eating out with Latep. What is wannabe? Oh,
-One who imitates the behavior, customs, or dress of an admired person-. Yes, I think I met many wannabes but don't know the label. Unluckily this one wannabe is near to me. She claimes she read novels by famous authors. She bought all the series of this lady author. I believe her, after all, why would one want to claim something that she does not do?
Then comes the hit. If she really read, why can't she write a simple line? I was confused. Then came by wonderful lecturer's advice- she said the only way to improve your English is by reading. Read what ever you like and you will improve gradually.

Ahah! If she reads, she would not be asking for help to check on her grammar. Oh wannabe, how sad of you. That is why, I must keep this reading habit.

Read on gal!

What lies beneath thee

What lies beneath thee
the mysterious religious
brought me high and low
take me with you
take my life
let me be drunk
before i sleep..
Dead Sea Sunset Waves

How I long to live in a house like this..


My white Kancil 850 is 6 years old. Should I get a new one? I am fond of Proton Savvy but I so could not afford other than Kancil. When thinking about this I still punish myself for being naive a.k.a damn stupid for marrying him. He got my life screwed up and now I have to do everything on my own. I do enjoy my unlimited space and freedom. But sometimes there comes the natural call and I need a shoulder to cry on. Imagine myself in the flaming red Savvy, how so comfy.

I better save more money to rent a better house for my family. I don't need a new car. The kancil will do us fine. A better roof on our head is what we needed most. I want to spend the rest of my life in a house like this. How peaceful. How sincere..

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Dear Blog..

An old friend recommended clicking into lots of sites that would pay after submitting articles. Write? Do I have the talent? I know I could but many things are bugging me. This subconscious mind is talking about many things. Why do I blog? Chances are I love to write. Why am I procrastinating? What am I waiting for? No prince charming would come to ask for my hand. Yes, I will write. Dear blog, I promise I will write, at least once a week. Promise to make this blog a more interesting one.



Sunday, June 17, 2007

Morning Dose with H.O. Solo

Halim is alone this morning. Kinda miss him last week when Rina was solo. I'm attracted to his sample of hari "adik-beradik" where siblings will get together, without their parents or friends. Good suggestion, i like that. But not applicable for me as my brother passed away a few years
ago.

Standing on the train, been thinking. Yes, I would like to have a "Hari Menulis Surat" to Malaysians- this means writing on a piece of paper and post it! The art of writing letter has long gone. I remember when I was in my second year in ITM, my English lecturer made the class write a letter and submit to him as an assignment. It was in 1990. Nowadays, we are too fond of sms and sending e-mails. People are too technology 'savvy'. Every single words are being shortened. Whatever happen to our stamps? Dont forget the art of licking the stamps. How many people do go to the post office or to the post box to send their letters and compare them to the number of sms and emails we send each day.
So dear Halim, I am suggesting the "Hari Menulis Surat" to all Malaysians, to appreciate the art of writing on a piece of paper, put in an envelope, paste a stamp and post it. I am sure it's going to be interesting.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Rafting?

Had a dream last two days, me and many people rafting at Sg Padas, Sabah. Dear God I was so excited. But of course, as always, its the budget. Promised my girl if she managed to score 5 As, then she will come with me. The beckoning Sabah air, never failed to seduce me..

my morning dose



I only listen to the radio a few minutes in the morning, when driving to LRT station. Before Sinar FM, I listen to Light and Easy. People call me an "old timer". I love retros. Never enjoyed Siti Nurhaliza or other young singers. Ok, back to Sinar. The few minutes of Sinar in my car, I do like the subjects of the morning shows, except for last year when Halim continuosly highlighted to pre-marriage of Siti Nurhaliza. Bored of it. And those callers who keep teasing Halim "bila nak kahwin" thingy. Gosh, Halim should do something about that.

I have always wanted to call Halim and Rina but I'm sure the line would be congested. Don't want to waste my prepaid either. I choose to be a silent listener:)

If only I could call them, I would do so on Friday. Friday has always my emotional and gloomy day. Would I want to share my emotions with Sinar listeners? What value would it give me?

Yesterday morning's theme was "pengalaman tertinggi yang dicapai". I would say it was my Kinabalu climb on November 20,2006. I walked alone for three hours, battling with myself, asking time and time again, why I am doing this? Why am I torturing myself? It was the longest walk ever, EVER. The longest battle with myself. I came to discover my trueself and potentials. I keep telling myself it was "mind over matters", "slowly but surely". Flashes of my children keep coming, every minute. I was totally confused why am doing all this. I prayed and meditated, God please help me to conquer the peak. I gave up countless times. I apologised to those who have sponsored my trip. I was the last to arrive. Alhamdulillah I made it, the very hard way! Been there, done that and I'll never do it again, no THANK YOU!

This morning Rina was alone. The theme was something about "Father's Day". Quickly I recalled memories with my late father. My relationship with my father was not very sweet. The tremendous thing he did was to insist that I go to an English medium school, so that "kamu pandai cakap orang putih". Yes, both he and I succeeded. I went to a Methodist school in Ipoh, knowing nothing about English. I remembered my father subscribed to New Straits Times, that was how I picked up English.

If only father is here, I would like to thank him for where I am now. Feel like tuning in to Michael Buble's HOME. Suddenly I missed every one who has touched my life. Sigh..

To Halim and Rina, thank you. Your morning talks has somehow made me think and write. Don't worry Halim, you will still be bujang tersegak. I like your voice Rina. At least both of you are hundred times better than Shida. She made me believe a bad stammer could be a DJ. Can't stand her host on weekends. Thank you Halim and Rina, you made my day:)



Friday, May 25, 2007

Dealova


aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidur mu

aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin bisa kau rindu

karena langkah merapuh tanpa diri mu

karena hati telah letih

aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang selalu bisa kau sentuh

aku ingin kau tahu bahawa ku selalu memuja mu

tanpa mu sepi nya waktu merantai hati

oh, bayang mu seakan-akan

kau seperti nyanyian dalam hati ku

yang memanggil rindu ku pada mu

seperti udara yang ku hela kau selalu ada

hanya diri mu yang bisa membuat ku tenang

tanpa diri mu aku merasa hilang

dan sepi

*********************

Fallen in love with this song last few months. Another one is Semua Tentang Kita by Peter pan. Indonesian bands seems to make a big name in Malaysian music scenes. I am usually fond of oldies but there's something about the Indonesian music that had struck me. When I listen to Dealova and Semua Tentang Kita, I recall my Kinabalu battle. I remembered Juru my mountain guide. Honestly I missed the torture. The piercing wind, the muscle pain and the cruel cold at Laban Rata and the peak, 100 years forget, I never will.
My heart shattered every time Kinabalu came flashing..


40 is the number..


40. What should be accomplished by 40?

1. More daily prayers
2. A Degree

3. Rent a better house

4. Debt free (except for credit card)

5. part-time teaching

6. Read Tuesdays with Morrie and Shaw Shank Redemption

7. Re-marry


A handful. Well at least I plan. Hurts so much when I read a signage saying - Failing to Plan means Planning to Fail. I can't afford to be a failure any more. Enough is enough. I must take charge of myself now. Allah has lent me this live, got to lead with dignity and responsibility.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Birthdays..







Last Sunday was my birthday. Came to office to do some work. Kids are out with their father. Luckily Ain was here and treated me with the Sambal Pizza. She doesn't know it's my birthday. May is a very special month. Starts with Labour Day, Mother's Day, Teacher's Day, my birthday, my mother's, my late grand mother's, my ex's and my ex best friend's. Not to forget it's the school holiday. Love May.



What is so special about birthdays? None. I just remember it and thank Allah I am a year wiser. Allah gave me another year to enjoy the air and be with my family. Not the type who would celebrate. Did told my kids, one day I would just buy the smallest cake at LaBoheme, Jaya Jusco and eat at home.



I grew up with the culture of celebrating birthdays with lots of food at taking photos. Not my type. Just a waste of time and money. Alhamdulillah the culture failed to conquer me.

Gloomy..

Some times nothing is right, not even a routined work. My throat is too sore for words. Would like to just keep quiet and talk to my blog. Friday mornings are my emotional days. Been reading Antigone, A Doll's House and Soyinka's play. So excited to start the new semester. Been doing the filing system. Hate filing. If only I could ignore all the papers on my table. Results will be out on 1st June. How did I do? An A is not important for me, as long as my CGPA is above 3.00. I would very much fond of enjoying the process of learning. Commenting silently about the lecturers' teaching and their keeness of using slides. Many of them are totally depending on the slides. Lights are out and they start lecturing. None is spontaneous and brainstorming. These people made me think lecturing is an easy job.



School holidays begins. Sigh. Wher to kids? Will your father take you out? Not until I see some amount in my account. Evil mom? Nah....couldn't help what is basic responsibility. I shall try to take them to the lakes to play kites.



Josh Groban is beside me, a slow number. Made me even more want to be alone. Ain has been reminding me about the rafting and snorkelling in KK this year end. Sigh again.. if only I have the money dear friend..



I envy those who would just jump to a vacation. Me, even simple errands need proper planning. Dear Allah, only You have the knowledge of my future..pity me dear Allah, place me with those who always worship You..

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Exams..



Exams are just around the corner. Not prepared enough. Hate phonetics. Why on earth I have to know all about it? Loved literature but she is not making it enjoyable. Thankful too that now I love Wuthering Heights. How excellent of the Bronte sisters' works. Lots of readings. Only if I have more time to indulge into more of the Bronte's..

Once, Love Lies Here




I thought my love will materialise. Thought love is always there. No, it has to be worked for. Once, I was blinded by his love. He didn't love me, he has something else in mind. Sadly, i fall for him. Dear Allah the Almighty, please forgive me. Sigh..



-Sabah town, view from air-


Monday, April 23, 2007

Kinabalu under space




View from Kinabalu Pines Resort. Speechless. The stormy wind never fails to struck me everytime i fly there..Kinabalu.. when will i see you again..

Gunung Kinabalu in my space






What a wonderful experience. The climb had thought me thousands of new things. Couldnt believe I have actually conquered my fear and unfit physical stamina. I miss Prof Syed Hamid's saying "its all mind over matters". How could I forget the priceless views, pains, tears, thin air and my Juru... the sweet mountain guide. I could talk non stop about gunung kinabalu. Yeah, kinda found true love for nature..

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Roses Roses…





Not fond of flowers. Can only look and “pretend” to like but naaahhh… would rather indulge to other things..

My Driving Space






Driving on MRR2 after the peak hours is a breeze. Love it. Been dreaming to take my kids to play kites at Taman Metropolitan Kepong. One day we will go guys!

Unforgettable Space


View from Kundasang. See the fantastic Gunung Kinabalu. Been there, climbed it. Wonderful experience. Very painful but worth trying. Yup, 20 November 2006 was the ultimate day. Conquered Kinabalu. My long lost dream. After 24 years, my dream came true.

Moral: hold on to your dreams

Saturday, April 14, 2007

love in my space


Syawal 2006. Love. Forgive. Money. New baju. Duit raya. Those are fantastic people in my space. Ultimate important. They are good at photos. Thousands of photos. When will I join them? Relatives and Ipoh are two major elements in me. Sigh. I miss Ipoh so much.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Are you in space YIN?

YIN is not my son. Why should I care? But no, I am human. Loosing my child will stop my heart from beating. Been thinking about Yin and how traumatic their parents right now. Who took Yin? Shall I doa Yin is in good hands that could shower him with love, more than their parents? Only miracles could bring Yin back. Yin, be a good boy now:>

Opening Spaces..

Got my quiz mark. 15/20 is not so bad. Should have done better. Told rema I loved wuthering heights. Did fathers and sons today. Quite interesting, the destroyer part. Rema’s ideas were good, really opened my minds. Nihilism is the word, not having respect for everything. She talked about Russian’s revolution. How am empty space is dangerous for us. I related it to myself. Yes, couldn’t agree enough. Kafka’s metamorphosis came into mind. Been struggling with Kafka. At last the assignment was submitted. Fuh, lega….

Space

My mute space. I need space to talk, to pour my heart out. My work and studies need a lot of readings and writings. My ambition for this year, 2007 is now coming through. My place, my space with quiet and freedom.